Why Your Wins Never Feel Good Enough
Why do you forget your wins faster than your failures? In this week's episode I'm exploring the psychological phenomenon sabotaging your confidence and the simple practice that fixes it.
A few weeks ago, I was building a to-do list for Q3 - mentally cataloging everything I still needed to accomplish, completely focused on what might be missing and what needed attention. I decided to look back at what I'd done in Q2, and what I discovered genuinely surprised me.
I had launched an entire podcast! Eighteen episodes, published consistently every week for months. And I had completely danced past it. Just moved on like it never happened or worse, that it didn’t matter.
This reflection perfectly captured something I've been researching: our brains are evolutionarily wired to focus on threats and what's missing, not on what we've already achieved. It’s a survival mechanism that no longer serves us in modern life. And it can really mess with our sense of capability and self-confidence.
Research shows bad events have around five times the psychological impact of good ones.
This means we remember criticism longer and more vividly than praise, notice problems faster than successes, and assume worst-case scenarios when we're uncertain. So that one awkward moment in your presentation gets replayed on loop, while the standing ovation gets filed under "probably just being nice." 😭
The result? Success never quite feels satisfying because you're already three steps ahead, worried about the next thing. You hit your goals and immediately raise the bar. You get positive feedback and focus on the one piece of constructive criticism.
Curious? Listen to the full episode here:
The Psychology Behind This
This is down to a cognitive error called negativity bias. Negativity bias is a well-documented psychological phenomenon where our brains give more weight and attention to negative information, experiences, and stimuli compared to positive ones.
This bias evolved as a survival mechanism. Our ancestors who were better at remembering where predators lurked, which foods were poisonous, or what situations were dangerous were more likely to survive and reproduce. Being hyper-aware of threats kept humans alive.
How it shows up in modern life:
Focusing on what went wrong in your day rather than what went right
Remembering the one critical comment in a performance review while forgetting multiple compliments
Dwelling on mistakes while quickly dismissing successes
Assuming the worst-case scenario in uncertain situations
Having your mood heavily influenced by one negative interaction despite many positive ones
The problem for self-belief: In today's world, negativity bias works against us. We're not dodging predators anymore, but our brains still operate like we are. This means we naturally focus on our failures, shortcomings, and what we haven't achieved, while our successes fade into the background. This creates a distorted view of our capabilities and erodes our confidence over time.
That's why intentionally collecting evidence of our wins is so crucial - we have to consciously counteract this built-in bias to build accurate self-belief.
Without a solid foundation of acknowledged wins, every new challenge feels like you're starting from scratch. Every setback feels like evidence that you don't belong. And every success feels like you just got lucky this time.
Meanwhile, the people who seem to advance effortlessly? They're not necessarily more talented than you. They're just better at recognizing and communicating their own value. They keep track of their wins. They can articulate what they bring to the table because they actually know what they bring to the table.
And before you roll your eyes and think "my work should speak for itself" (a harmful lie we tell ourselves) - it really doesn't. At least not in most workplaces. Your work needs a spokesperson, and that spokesperson is you.
When I sat down and really looked at my podcast launch, I asked myself a question that can change everything:
"What does this accomplishment mean about me as a person?"
The most important reflection in all of this wasn't that I'd launched a podcast, it was what it meant about me. It was that I'd proven I could commit to something creative and uncertain. I'd shown I could be consistent. I'd demonstrated that I could share my somewhat random thoughts with the world and trust they might be useful.
Most importantly, I'd built something from scratch. That's not nothing. That's actually quite significant!
And to think I almost let this evidence slip right past me! I was so busy looking ahead that I nearly missed documenting what I'd just proven about my own capabilities.
Proof Of Your Own Capability
This is why Proof or Evidence is the 6th core concept of my self-belief framework (The Inner Shift). Without concrete evidence of your capabilities, confidence becomes fragile, dependent on external validation and vulnerable to every setback.
But when you intentionally build a bank of your wins and connect them to what they prove about who you are, you create unshakeable self-belief that's rooted in reality, not hope. It's the difference between crossing your fingers and knowing you've got this.
I cover this in 11 minutes in my latest podcast episode which you can listen to here.
Practical Tips You Can Use Right Now
Here's some easy ways to build your evidence bank:
Create a Wins Ritual: Set aside time monthly or quarterly to document achievements across all areas - professional accomplishments, challenges overcome, skills developed, relationships built, and impact created.
Connect to Identity: For each achievement, ask "What does this say about my capabilities?" This is where transformation happens - when you connect achievements to your self-concept and understand what they prove about who you are.
Try the Oscar Speech Exercise: Imagine receiving an award for your work this year. What would you say? This forces you to claim your achievements and practice articulating your value confidently.
Use the "This is New, I Am Not" Reframe: When facing new challenges, remind yourself you've been new before and handled difficult things before. Your evidence bank is proof of your capability.
Final Thoughts
If this resonates with you, I'd love for you to listen to the full episode where I dive deeper into the practical strategies and share more about how this connects to the other ingredients in building unshakeable self-belief.
You can find this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and if you're curious about the other five ingredients, the whole series is there waiting for you.
Thanks for reading - your time and attention mean everything to me!
And if you're thinking that some one-on-one support around building this kind of sustainable self-belief sounds interesting, get in touch to learn more about the type of coaching I offer.
